For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
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Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Are these grass-fed oranges?
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.