For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
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Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different