@lovemydogduck: For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
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@david8hughes: Juror: we find the defendant guilty Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn't Judge: he has a point
@Tw1tter_K1tten: One thing I've learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you. -babies
@pippydrydocking: Sorry I went down on your moms sister at your BBQ... I guess you could say I'm... [lowers shades] An aunt-eater.