@InsouciantMan: For sale: Standards. Mint condition. Barely used.
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@AndyAsAdjective: [break room] coworker: what's for lunch? me: [eating] food, generally cw: no, I mean what are you having? me: an unwanted conversation
@MichaelTrying: Darwin is a genius. Just realized I'm attracted to women in glasses because I'm more likely to reproduce with a woman who can't see me well.
@QwertyJones3: "Honey, it's not that I don't like your cooking, it's just that the smoke's about to asphyxiat our family." "WHAT'D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??"