TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
You Might Also Like
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.