For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
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Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
TRAIN’S HERE
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*