For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
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Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
we’re gonna need another temp
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron