For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
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I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum