For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
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*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
somebody come look at this
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police