Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
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6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.