For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
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[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
…..pretty much.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.