For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
You Might Also Like
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery