For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
You Might Also Like
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
those birds must be on payroll
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Its a hippotatomus
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?