For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
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Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.