@ariscott: For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
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@PajamaBen_: *cop pulls me over* Have you been drinking? No I- *water bottle now full of wine* *officer lowers shades. its Jesus* No one will believe you
@Shira: Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have...
@trumpetcake: Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.