@ariscott: For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
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@BillMc7: listen, officer - t h e o r e t i c a l l y - would I still get a carpool lane ticket if I have a body in the trunk
@jackiembouvier: Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it's like you're blasting them with nuclear waste.
@daplusk: Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
@NicestHippo: You had a flat tire on the highway? What was that like? [cut to: me crying helplessly until AAA arrives] Your survival instincts take over