For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
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The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?