For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
You Might Also Like
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.