For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
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I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.