For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
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My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?