For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
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I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now