For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
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fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.