@FBSisnothere: For the first time in forever, I used the term "oopsie-daisy". Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone's baby?
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like 'Loves Abortions Brenda' or 'Eats Her Feelings Julie'.
@Brianhopecomedy: I'm watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
@theshamingofjay: A disease that kills you and can only be spread through the transmission of bodily fluids. Are we sure we're not talking about marriage?
@Flykins: COP: "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?" ME: "It was way easier than solving a murder?"