For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
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My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook