“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?