For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
You Might Also Like
called in thicc to work this morning
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved