For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
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I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
🤣
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids