@Hobo_Splendido: For the low, low price of $14.95, I'll send you my instructional DVD, "How to Succeed as a Con Man."
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@sixfootcandy: Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I'm like "they wouldn't be clean anyway mom!"
@PinkCamoTO: Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job? Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
@pro_failure: My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don't understand science.
@TheBoydP: Not to brag but I'm never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation...