For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
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I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.