For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
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i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.