Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
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Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?