@praisecheese: For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
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@Ygrene: [being murdered at Best Buy] Murderer: *murdering me* Me: *being murdered* Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
@AGreaterMonster: Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest strength? Me: Definitely my insecurities. Very strong.
@Marlebean: Him: Your body is like poetry Me: That's so nice! H: A haiku M:.. H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom M: Just stop
@PajamaStew: Twitter is the only place where it's actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.