For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
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FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.