For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
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Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
how to have an accident 101
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.