[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
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My dad.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with