For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
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mom had nothing to worry about
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
starting a garage orchestra
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.