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If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Is this you?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
(Musicians.)
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Midwest trash talk
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.