How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
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Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.