That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
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anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.