@Robert_Beau: For years I thought hitchhikers were complimenting my driving.
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@DennisLWeaver: Friend: I love FB but it's gettin a lil boring. Me: Well that's cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
@SkunkFarts: Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I'm stalking her I can tell the cops she's a hooker.
@FlyJ_: You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate? Yeah, she's staying at my house this week.