@Robert_Beau: For years I thought hitchhikers were complimenting my driving.
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@CerebralWreck: Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear? Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
@LuvPug: A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn't know by now where babies come from it's not my place to tell her
@CharmandBrains: I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I'd resemble a crack addict.