For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
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What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?