@DirtMcTurd: For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
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@shariv67: The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
@VaguelyFunnyDan: The gal in front of me on this flight didn't enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
@harrows_: God said, "Thou shall not kill" And then he wiped out the entire human race with a global flood just because people didn't take it seriously