@DirtMcTurd: For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
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@melgabored: BIDEN (whispering) Barack. Psst, Barack. Barack, turn around. OBAMA Joe, I'm a little busy. BIDEN I love you.
@bourgeoisalien: It's important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you're all set to go
@NASHterpiece: I'm glad it's the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.