The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
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Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*