Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
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I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Comparing yourself to others
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
We cut our bangs at dawn.