@SureYouDo1: For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don't get her a bathroom scale. Nope.
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@BuckyIsotope: [commercial for soup] Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it? NARRATOR: SOUP
@slimmy_shady: Drink this wine, it's the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it's the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, "Now hear me out"
@Alex_N_Chains: Clean tweeting is liberating. You don't need profanity to make a point. Look: Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.