I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
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Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.