For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
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[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now