*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
You Might Also Like
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity