*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
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Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away