[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
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When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.