[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
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Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Our lord and savoury.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Dead
Alive
Other✔
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on