[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
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[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I’m about to risk it all
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
“Sheer Arrogance”
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure