[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
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It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
was Jim off killing horses or…
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons