[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
You Might Also Like
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings