Forever 21… pounds overweight
You Might Also Like
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
No laws when master is gone
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.