@gurl_sour: Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
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@jon_albo: Age is just a number? I stole $100 from your wallet and replaced it with a $5. Don't worry, they're just numbers.
@garrydavenport: "It's 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything" - cats
@evidentlyblonde: When people ask me "plz" because its shorter than "please".. I just tell them "no" because its shorter than "yes."
@CM2BTTHD: CPR refresher class. We're told, "If they're not breathing, there's no way you can make it worse." Woman then trips; kicks dummy's head off.